February 14 sits proudly (most likely preening) alongside December 31 as dates that have become bizarrely culturally important for people of all ages, and yet all-too-often unfold with more of a whimper than a bang, condemning those sky-high expectations to yet another subject of conversation for you and your presumably exhausted therapist. In order to get what you really want out of the evening – which is either sex or, if you’re lucky enough to be a well-adjusted human being, intimate spiritual connection – you need to project the right image. The clothes make the man, so let’s talk about how you can maximize the potential of your evening, no matter what your plans are.
The Boyfriend: No matter what your girlfriend says, she’ll be thrilled if you take Valentine’s Day seriously. Take her out to a somewhere nice and dress the part – we’re not talking suit and tie here (unless the situation demands it), but hang up the t-shirt and jeans for a night and take part in the most feminine-approved form of male sartorial flourish: layering. Piling a jacket on top of a sweater on top of a button-down just flips the switch for some reason, and your foreplay will be prolonged as she works through extricating you from each and every layer of your outfit. Layered menswear AND prolonged foreplay? Just saying those words increases any man’s chances of getting laid.
The Single Guy: Dress up in a full-size animal costume. “What”, you say? “That’s CRAZY!” you exclaim? Well, what’s truly “crazy” is letting a day as jam-packed with hormone-fueled women thinking endlessly about love pass you by without putting in a little bit of effort. As you’re single, putting in a little bit of effort is no doubt a somewhat foreign concept, so we’ll make things easy on you. Dress up like a furry and you’ve already checked the two biggest boxes on the average female furry’s compatibility wish list: presence of male genitals, dressed in animal costume. You literally can’t put in less work. You’ll have a Valentine’s Day to remember and you can get back to playing video games and letting your friends know which famous actresses you would “totally bang” in no time.
The Clinically Depressed Shut-In: Okay, now we can speak freely. Since we both know that love is a fallacy created by perfect-bodied monsters to make us normal humans feel marginalized, you’re going to want to take this opportunity to get out there and take the cause to the streets. Dressing up like a clown, complete with slightly sinister makeup, is guaranteed to ensure that at least one of the people you happen upon will have their Valentine’s Day irreparably ruined, and then you can return home and take solace in the fact that the opposing ranks have been thinned, if only marginally.