A recent article in The Atlantic Wire titled “Meggings: An Investigation of an Investigation”, used the slowly-growing population of meggings to illustrate a much more expansive point about stunt journalism (the article includes a recounting of an acid-soaked leggings-enhanced Coen Bros. marathon – read it). Meggings, of course, are male leggings, a fashion-forward attempt to out-skinny jean the skinny jean and display the curvature of your buttocks and genitals to women who presumably enjoy leering at scantily-clad body parts as much as we do, even as they insist the only time they ever watched porn was “just to laugh”. If bad sex is so funny, how come you never call?
Now, let’s not be unclear: there are some guys out there who can pull off wearing skintight leggings. They can pull off wearing fedoras, vests with no suit jacket, a preposterously deep V, and Air Jordans all at once and still go home with a woman who is quite literally better-looking than everyone you’ve ever slept with combined. But you’re probably not that guy. So don’t wear meggings. Dress and act like a man. Even the most passive, metro, over-styled and under-ashamed heterosexual draws the line somewhere. Trust me, I know. While you’re at it, cut out the following behavior as well.
Hand Lotion: “Oooh, I just love it when a man grasps me with his soft, delicate, smooth-but-not-greasy hands!” says no woman ever. A woman who wants your hands to be softer will also eventually want your pecs more jiggly and your genitals more concave.
Chest Waxing: Things that make you visually resemble a 12-year-old boy include chest waxing. You know who doesn’t get laid very often? 12-year-old boys. Here’s where the editor removed a really off-color joke.
Mesh Shirts: Remember that guy I mentioned in the second paragraph? Even he can’t pull off a mesh shirt. Unless you’re the vocalist for a Chicago house revival group, steer clear. If you are the vocalist for a Chicago house revival group, then shine on you crazy diamond.
Day-Glo Briefs (Bonus Points if They’re Low-Rise): Wanting our potential mate of the opposite sex to look like a sex worker is a one-way street, gents. If you want to look like a gigolo, I have a personal online business anonymous tip on some assless chaps that will really do the trick. Go big or go home.
Future Beard: You’ve seen them. Men with patterns in their beards that seem ludicrous enough until their apparent ludicrousness is blown out of the water by the exponentially more ludicrous fact that they spent their own free time shaving their beard to look somewhere in between a hedge maze and a prison tattoo. Again, show me the woman who turned you down because your beard wasn’t interesting enough for her taste. Or indeed, the woman that mentioned to you how drab her dating life has been since she broke up with that guy with the really cool beard.